In life, I don’t believe in fate. Most things are chance mixed in with the results of our choices. Every now and then I wish things could have gone differently or I made a different choice, but I know in the end results would be the same if not close to the same. Then again, it is when small choices make such a huge impact on our lives when we (humanity) start to think greater forces were in play.
Often I look at life trying to be logically, and making sense of the world around me. When it comes to others and the choices they make, their actions I am often baffled when people do things against their best interest. Or when people are hypocrites and live false lives. But I know from experience sometimes an individual being honest with her/him self can be hard. It requires one to take into account his/her flaws and limitations. It requires one to accept his/her mistakes, seek penance where appropriate. One must recognize emotions and feelings are not whimsical, but true influences and motivators. It forces one to accept the way things are, and not just how we envision they should be. Unromantic, raw and harsh is this honest world, but it is also filled with opportunities one might not have realized before.
I never want to miss an opportunity. Yet the challenge – for me in particular – is being open to, seeing and grasping opportunities without sacrificing my self interest. I often find myself trying to be vulnerable and safe at same time. Oxymoron of my life. Over time this has become harder to do as it has only worked out about 20% of the time. As of late, less and less. So from there it gets very personal and more about me doubting myself, my actions, philosophy, vision, expectations and goals. Yet, to add to the oxymoron, each loss and survival makes taking risks easier as well knowing no matter what I can survive, thrive and grow.
So there exposed is my flaw – when it comes to love on some level I don’t trust myself – my instincts and my heart. This at times seems as if I don’t trust, care for or love others. It seems I have no passion, and am cold and self serving. But that is the furthest thing from the truth.
That is the furthest thing from the truth.
I know here within me there is a love, loyalty, heat and passion for which there is no rival.
